Is Growing Up with an Addicted Parent Normal?
For a child that grows up with an addicted parent, there is no normal. They may be what they consider normal, but it doesn’t look like other families ‘normal. Even if the child isn’t aware of the drug-taking or drinking, there is something not quite right. This may be from the way Mom misses the table when setting it just after they return from school, or that Dad sits in the same chair every evening with his glass, and an argument breaks out if anyone tries to move him. Arguments may happen often, and the child may not quite grasp why. They may find that no matter how hard they try, it seems like it’s not enough when in reality, the problem has nothing to do with them and everything to do with this disease.
This can mean that later in life, normal is quite difficult to recognize. The child of an addict may strive for perfection and become frustrated when they can’t achieve it. They may lash out at others when they don’t deliver perfection. This arises from needing to control something. Try to understand that they may have to learn what normal looks like, no matter how old they are.
Developing Bad Coping Mechanisms: Manipulating Their Parents and Others
The child of an addict will become manipulative before they even know what it is. This is a firm argument for the case that children do as they see, not as they are told to do. They watch an addicted parent manipulate their way out of situations, and they learn that this is what works. They see that promises are made often but rarely kept. Some children deal with this by acting out, emulating the actions they see, and others learn manipulation tactics they use throughout their life. This behavior can carry over into adulthood and continue the cycle of addiction across generations.
Active Addiction is a Selfish Disease: Children Tend to get Less Attention.
When one of the parents is addicted to a substance, this usually results in less attention. In a single-parent home, the addict will become more and more focused on their substance of choice. Despite their best efforts to care for their children, it will, at some point, result in proper attention not being paid, whether from the obsession of getting their next fix, being high, or being distracted while under the influence.
If there is a two-parent home, the non-addicted parent often has to spend time caring for the children and take on more responsibilities. They may often internalize their stress to cover up what’s happening. One way or another, this results in the children either not feeling that they can approach that parent. Children also are neglected emotionally as they don’t know how to open up about other things in their life, having the awareness that the sober parent is under enough pressure already.
When both parents are lost in their active addiction, CPS or Child Protective Services can step in and determine if the parents are capable of being parents. When both parents are addicted, the child can become a tool to acquire more drugs or alcohol because of the tax breaks and government assistance services granted due to the child’s residency with their parents. These services and tax breaks are meant to ensure that children grow with proper nutrition and assistance to succeed till they are old enough to take care of themselves. When this is abused by the parents, the child receives less attention and love and is treated more like a crutch for more drugs and alcohol.
Children need attention. Otherwise, they start acting out in other ways to get it, and this can result in bullying other children, failing at school, and even trying dangerous substances themselves. As the child grows older, they may seek attention elsewhere, and this can be very dangerous when their parents are not there to care enough about who they are talking to and where they are going. Children who do not get the attention they need can turn to strangers on the internet that prey on their insecurities.
Sometimes, children start to develop adult roles in the family dynamic like managing everything, growing up too fast, trying to take over responsibilities, and this happens especially with older children, who insist on looking after the other siblings and making sure everything is okay. Doing the grocery shopping, cleaning up after siblings, cleaning up their parents after a long night of drinking, protecting their parents from law enforcement, and taking physical and mental abuse from their addicted parents often rob the child of their childhood and cause them to grow up too quickly.
The Corruption of Rational Thought: When Addiction Becomes Child Abuse
Although most addicts would hate to hurt their children in any way, the sad fact is that many of the behaviors a child experiences from an adult due to their addiction amount to child abuse. Child abuse is defined as any recent act or failure to act on the part of a parent or caregiver, which results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation, or an act or failure to act, which presents an imminent risk of serious harm.
The dark side of active addiction couldn’t get any darker when child abuse becomes the norm in a household. Everyone knows that drugs and alcohol directly influence a parent’s rational thought, and sometimes, the influence can bring out violence and aggression in people. Tragically, that aggression can come out as physical, mental, and sexual abuse toward the child, if not by the parent, by other addicts that come into their household. When this becomes a norm in the family dynamic, PTSD can haunt children from youth to adulthood, often encouraging them to abuse substances to cope when they get older.
Thus, the abuse or neglect of your child in any way due to your addiction, the emotional harm that you put them through, makes you guilty and should be the push you need to get help.
What Can Be Done?
If you know someone who is an addict and has children or a family with an addict, help is available. You can break the cycle by encouraging the addict to get help, staging an intervention, or letting the family know about local clinics and family therapy.
If it affects you personally, don’t be afraid to talk to a psychotherapist or mental health specialist about how it is making you feel or affecting your life overall. There are local children and family centers that you can support that offer children a safe space to go when their homes aren’t stable. Support these in any way you can, whether financial or donating books, clothes, old electronics, etc.
Of course, suppose you have grown up with a parent suffering from addiction. In that case, you are more susceptible to being an addict yourself, so pay attention to any signs that you may be developing a dependency on any substance, whether it is alcohol, pain medication, or even something that you do recreationally. If you see the signs early, don’t let denial creep in, and speak to a professional before you start affecting other people that are close to you, so that you can break the cycle.