Addiction and Codependency: Are You Helping or Hurting Your Partner?

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Identifying Codependency in Romantic Relationships

To change a problem, you must first identify it. The same goes for codependency issues. 

If your romantic partner has an addiction, you might rely heavily on each other. The reliance is usually on many things and areas of life. This dynamic is especially true if your partner has not addressed their addiction problem. 

You may be blissfully unaware that you’re in a codependent relationship, but the signs and symptoms will show over time. Your relationship will begin to suffer because of these codependent dynamics. 

According to Darlene Lancer, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, “Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs.”

You can start to identify codependency by asking yourself these questions:

• Do I responsible for my partner’s well-being?
• Have I extended all of my energy toward my partner?
• Am I the only one making sacrifices?
• Am I my partner’s only source of happiness or vice-versa?
• Do I continue to make excuses about my partner’s addiction?

If you answered yes to several of these questions, you are probably in a codependent relationship. Don’t feel discouraged. Changing a codependent relationship for the better is possible, but both must be involved in enacting the change. Getting on the right track will likely require that your loved one get help for their addiction problem through rehab or other avenues of recovery.

Now, the first step is always identifying the problem. Next, you must take the time to know the consequences and symptoms of codependent relationships. Likely, you’re already experiencing some of these.

Symptoms of Codependency in Romantic Relationships

Loving someone who struggles with addiction is difficult. It can be even more difficult when you and your loved one have addiction struggles. Neither of you likely knows how to help the other. Just helping yourself can also seem impossible. Usually, these situations lead both partners to depend entirely on each other.

Here are the symptoms that are characteristics of a codependent relationship:

• Low self-esteem
• People pleasing
• Poor boundaries
• Reactivity
• Caretaking
• Control
• Dysfunctional communication
• Dependency
• Denial
• Problems with intimacy
• Painful emotions

Not all 11 symptoms are required to qualify your relationship as codependent. You may only have a few codependent dynamics currently working in your relationship.

The hardest part often is saying “no” to your partner. Because they are struggling with addiction, you might feel denying any requests they make is impossible. You feel it’s in your nature to help them, and what kind of partner would you be if you didn’t?
You may have poor boundaries that cause you to feel responsible for your partner’s actions. It’s almost as if you’re a caretaker, not a life partner.

Playing the caretaker role also gives you a sense of control over the relationship. You might subconsciously feel that you’re securing your relationship’s success because they rely on you so much. Amidst all of this, you likely forget to care for yourself.

The first step to breaking codependency habits is to realize they exist, understand why they are harmful, and resolve to change them.

How Codependency Helps Addiction Thrive [Enabling]

Codependency is a relationship where one person struggles with addiction and almost always leads to enabling the addiction.

If you protect your partner from punishment or consequences for their substance use, you’re not allowing them to feel the consequences. If they feel consequences, why would they seek help? You may even enable them unto their death. This is a surefire way to encourage them to continue their addiction. They think you’ll always be there to protect them from their actions.

For instance, according to the Washington State Department of Enterprise Services, examples of enabling include:

• Taking over the responsibilities of the user
• Making excuses or covering up errors and accidents for the user
• Going along with excuses for using substances
• Helping the user get out of financial difficulty related to substance abuse
• Cleaning up after the user

It is natural to want to take care of your loved one. Addiction is a disease that will exploit this natural tendency to love and care for our partners. The truth is that the best way to help our loved ones who struggle with addiction is not to shield them from the truth.

 The truth will set them free. Without consequences, there is no reason to change anything. Continuing in the same healthy dynamic will sustain the addiction and further cause them damage.

It is highly unlikely that you are intentionally trying to hurt your loved one. Most people in codependent relationships act out of good intent, feeling like they are just trying to care for their partner.

The next and most important step forward in helping your loved one overcome addiction is to stop enabling them.